Controlled Separation

This page is for people who work with couples – counselors, ministers, priests, rabbis, therapists, mediators and such. You do not necessarily need to be certified in this process to be able to use it with couples. However, by going through a certification process, you become qualified to have your name and contact information listed in our directory.

In conjunction with the Family Ministries Office of the Archdiocese of Chicago, we have created a “downloadable” training program that you may purchase and complete independently. 

Many people interested in this process are very able to use the program for themselves or to work with a minister, coach, or therapist. Suggested steps to follow are:

Read the book, Should I Stay or Go? by Lee Raffel

Meet with the couple to determine what direction they would like to go. Do they want to try to save the marriage? Are they willing to enter into a short term agreement using the Controlled Separation Guidelines and Contract as listed in the book?

Make a copy of the contract in the book and begin to work on it with the couple. This may take a few sessions and it may not be in the order listed on the contract. Some couples like to address things in a different order.

This is the couple’s contract, they will decide what works for them. You serve as a coach and facilitator of the process. Help them have thoughtful, fruitful and honest conversations. Respect where they are at in their relationship.

If things arise that indicate the need for professional help, please be sure to refer the couple out for that help.

Good luck.